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Bin Laden Reevaluates Business Model


Bin Laden Reevaluates Business Model  by: Tom Attea

Osama Bin Laden, reportedly hiding in a mud hut in the wilds of the remote tribal region of Pakistan or, due to a lifetime of luxurious pampering and his need for dialysis, holed up in a basement in Karachi or dilating in the splendors of a well-disposed mosque, has reportedly been reevaluating his business plan for al Qaeda.

The reevaluation was apparently triggered by his own dissatisfaction with the lifestyle the business has provided for its reflective CEO and by growing dissatisfaction among his employees, largely due to the high risk of being incinerated.

Dissatisfaction among the rank and file apparently reaches as high as his 2nd in command, Ayman al-Zawahiri, a former Egyptian pediatrician, who has reportedly informed Bin Laden he has reached the conclusion that making videos in remote locations to berate 'the infidels' and then diving for cover is not nearly as satisfying as the life he might enjoy practicing pediatrics in Cairo – a new life even he admits may no longer be available to him, due to licensing requirements in Egypt, which, we understand, require at least three professional references.

Bin Laden himself is rumored to be particularly disappointed in how his life has turned out. Occasionally, he even considers the effects of his career choice on his family. He reportedly told a sympathetic cleric, “What good is having millions of dollars when it’s frozen in the bank? How can you enjoy life in a mansion and take your wives shopping on 5th Avenue when there’s a -million price tag on your head?”

He is apparently learning the hard way what tyrants and other mass killers just never seem to have the insight to understand ahead of the consequences of their acts. Wasn’t Hitler enough of an example? There the dastard was, with bombs falling on Berlin and the allied forces closing in, alone in a bunker with his hot girl friend Eva, with no better destiny than the necessity of shooting her in the head and then turning the gun on himself.

Bin Laden, evidently a slow learner, seems to have finally caught on. He is rumored to have written in a secret journal, “I see now that natural justice is relentless. I have become the man I have chosen to be. I have done hateful things, and now I am hated. I have killed, and now I fear being killed, even by a sales clerk at Cartier.”

As a result of his recent insights, his new business plan calls for the gradual transformation of his terrorist organization into a charitable foundation, dedicated to providing food and education to the desperately needy millions of Muslims in the region, particularly in his oft-mentioned cause, Palestine. He has purportedly offered al-Zawahiri the position of director of a proposed Sheik Bin Laden Hospital, should he be able to build it without family members who remember 911 detonating it.

Of course, he still faces daunting obstacles in his attempts to transform the organization and “go public,” among them making an appearance without being arrested and hanged.

The transformation of the al Qaeda business model depends on his ability to navigate these problematic waters somewhat better than he anticipated the inevitable lifestyle of a person who made his career choice. 

A guidance counselor, consulted early on, might have made quite a difference.

To enjoy more news laughs, visit www.newslaugh.com.

About The Author

Tom Attea, creator of Newslaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing ""delightfully funny" and "witty" with "good, genuine laughs."